Untarnished
by OtterPotter
Summary: As the burning pieces of the Chantry lie at her feet, Hawke is left to decide the fate of the man who had caused the destruction and the consequences that follow.   FemHawke/Anders.  Spoilers for Act 3 and whatnot.
1. At the Edge of my Blade

**A few quick (hopefully) notes before I can get on with this story. Umm, so yeah, Anders. I love him, but he can be a little stupid sometimes. Case in point- Act 3. So I, like many others, went on a soul-searching journey in order to determine exactly why it was that my Hawke decided what to do with him the way she did. And this was the result. This piece is an experiment as far as formatting goes, and just in general, so any comments and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and also, I don't own Dragon Age, Dragon Age II, or any of its affiliates. That lovely pleasure goes to the good folks at Bioware. So, without further ado, please enjoy and review!  
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As I watched it unfold I could barely breathe. I could barely think. I could barely move.

For one moment I felt the world stop.

I watched as the Chantry was torn apart with a crimson beam of light.

And I thought of Anders.

So many emotions. I lost the ability to process my own feelings in that one moment as all of them combined into one indistinguishable mess. I could recognize a few before it was too much to handle. Terror, disbelief, panic, anger, sorrow, and betrayal warped themselves around my existing feelings of worry, love, and frustration.

And then there was the one question I could not get out of my head.

Why?

* * *

><p>"<em>The mages must be free."<em>

_I lifted a hand to trace cheek, his deep brown eyes level with my own blue ones. _

"_I know, love. I know." I told him as he pulled me closer to him, one arm wrapped tightly around me._

"_This is not going to be peaceful. There will be more violence." He said, determination and regret in his voice. Firelight danced and flickered on his face, cast from the nearby fireplace. Moments passed and I turned away from his gaze, instead leaning my head against his shoulder as we sat warding off the winter chill by the fireplace in my, __**our**__, estate. I sighed quietly. _

"_What if it comes to sacrificing innocent lives?" I questioned._

"_Whatever the cost, the mages must be freed from their oppression. Sacrifices are often demanded. There is a price to freedom, but the freedom itself is necessary. There is no compromise for the freedom of mages. Sometimes a few have to be sacrificed for the good of the whole." He responded. I turned to face him again, pulling back slightly from our earlier position. He looked slightly confused. Staring straight into his eyes, I studied him for a moment._

"_Alright, now what's Anders' opinion?" I asked. He broke eye contact, looking down at the floor._

"_I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that."_

* * *

><p>Cries rang out from all sides off me, but I was beyond recognizing their individual owners. At the moment I was trying to remember how to breathe.<p>

It had finally come to this. A bitter taste filled my mouth as I realized I had learned the price of a revolution, and it was paid in blood.

As my thoughts slowly became more coherent, I wondered how I had even gotten involved in this in the first place.

* * *

><p>"<em>I just wanted to thank you. You've really stuck your neck out for the mages here in Kirkwall, and you didn't have to. One day we'll make a world where your sister will be free." He looked sincerely grateful, and happier than I had seen him for awhile. My stomach flipped and my heart melted simultaneously. How long has it been? Three years?<em>

"_My father was an apostate, and my mother gave up everything to be with him. My sister, as you know, was hauled away to the Circle. Our family spent our lives running and in hiding, with constant fear and worry over our shoulders. And most of the people we've meet, mages, have been good people. Good people that deserve freedom. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't feel obligated to help them. But it's more than an obligation. I want to help them." I said. All of it was true, but he knew me well enough to know I had more to say. I still hadn't told him the most important reason. I looked down at my feet, hesitating, anticipating his reaction. But I still had to tell him. The weight of keeping it silent seemed too much. "And then there is you. As much as you've warned me, I can't help it. It would kill me to see the templars lock you up."_

* * *

><p>Slowly I began to regain myself. Breathing became easier and the panic began to subside. My thoughts became more lucid.<p>

Retrospect told me that unless I had became an introvert or changed my morals around completely, my involvement in this was inevitable. Every moment in my life had shaped me until there was simply no way I could have ignored this, as much as I wanted to.

Time returned to its normal pace and I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. There was going to be hell to pay for this.

"Anders! How could…? Why did…?" I turned to him and I felt my mouth move of its own accord, not even bothering to stop it through my shock. "That was a lot of people! That was a lot of innocent people! That was murder!"

"It had to be done." He said, and avoided my eyes. Not before I saw his (Justice-imposed) resolve falter, and caught a glimpse of guilt. Oh, my dear Anders, I thought desperately. What have you done?

Then there was Meredith and Orsino, demanding that I chose a side. And for once, my choice was simple.

* * *

><p>"<em>And so he turns to me and says, 'Well, at least a got a new pair of boots out of all this.' After all of that, that was all he could say!" I told a laughing Varric as I struggled to keep from cracking up myself. It was our usual Friday night drinks at the Hanged Man, and I was filling him in on the few endeavors he had missed this week.<em>

"_Well, that does sound like Blondie. Hard to believe we've known him for three years now. Hard to believe it's been three years." My dwarf companion told me._

"_I know," I said, sighing and sobering a little, "but, seriously, his 'freedom to mages' rant he launches into everywhere is going to get him into trouble someday, and it may end up being too big for you or I to clean it up." _ _Ever observant, Varric noticed my partially concealed distress. _

"_You seemed very concerned. He's that important to you?" he asked._

"_Varric, you know me better than most. You should know the answer to that by now." _

"_I do, but I want to hear it from you. As well as wild assumptions work in my stories, it's good to hear the truth every once in a while."_

"_What do you want me to say? Over the years he's become one of my closest friends. And to be honest, I'm not very close to many people. The people I am close to become the most important things in my life. And I'm worried about this whole damn mage-templar thing anyways. It's getting worse, and I can feel that it's going to have negative consequences for everyone."_

"_If it comes to choosing sides, which one will you be on?"_

"_I really hope it doesn't come to that."_

"_It will. You know that, don't you?"_

"_I do. There's really only one side I could see myself on."_

"_Wait. You don't have to answer. I think I already know."_

"_I just… my sister, my father and all of the people that deserve to be free."_

"_And Blondie."_

"_And him. I don't know what I would do if he was locked up, or worse, but it wouldn't be pretty or pleasant for anyone."_

"_So, I guess we get to be the underdogs now. You know that this is a terrible idea, right?"_

_I looked down at my empty cup._

"_I know." I said quietly._

* * *

><p>"I will side with the mages."<p>

And the chaos resumed.

Words flung back and forth, accusations and threats. And now I was caught in the heart of all of it.

It was all going by too fast now. An agreement was made to fight elsewhere, and then I was left to decide the fate of the terrorist. My companion. My best friend. My protector.

My love.

I could barely walk, focusing on each step as I walked towards where he was sitting. I stumbled and Bethany, who had stayed behind, caught me. Our eyes met and she put a hand on my shoulder, strong and supportive, letting go as soon as I was stable. Vaguely, I wondered when she had become stronger, wondered just how much the Circle had changed her. As time had gone by she wrote less and less, and now, along with everything else, I was confronted with the fact that I had lost her as well. And the sorrow intensified.

As I came to a halt behind Anders, another bleak realization came. He was all I had left.

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm here for you," he said, sitting next to me on the bed, "in whatever way you need me."<em>

"_Mother… She did not deserve to die like this." I choked out. "All I've wanted is to protect my family. To do the best for my family. And look where that has gotten me. Carver, Father, and Mother, all dead. And Bethany trapped in the Circle. I don't have anyone left."_

_Anders put a hand on my cheek and turned my head towards him, gently leaning in to kiss away the tears trailing down my face. He pulled away suddenly and brought me even closer, so that I was now I was on his lap. I sobbed into his chest._

"_That's not true," he said as he laid his head on top of mine, stroking my back. "You have me." _

_We stayed like that for a long time. Eventually my sobbing ceased and I became more and more aware of his arms around me and the comfort that he gave me. _

"_Please don't leave me alone," I begged him, "I can't get through this by myself."_

"_I won't leave you," he reassured me, "I'm here for as long as you need me."_

"_I love you." _

"_And I love you."_

* * *

><p>"You can't tell me anything I haven't already told myself," Anders said as I stood behind him. His head was turned down and I could not see his expression. My thoughts fumbled and tripped over each other as I tried to piece together something to say.<p>

"Anders…" I started. He turned his head and our eyes met. In the back of my mind, something clicked. I understood.

He thought I was going to kill him. He expected me to kill him. I felt dizzy. Was I? Could I?

"You could have told me," I said. He shook his head.

"No. What if you tried to stop me? Or worse, what if you wanted to help me? Whatever happened, I had to make sure it all came down on my head." He told me.

"I was going to get involved anyways! Even if I wasn't the Champion, I still would have gotten involved. I've always supported you; I've always supported your beliefs. You could have talked to me! All of this time, all of the signs, and I still can't believe you did this."

* * *

><p><em>For the first time in a long time, he looked at peace. Eyes closed, his chest rose and fell at a consistent, almost lulling pace. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. In this moment, I could have been content. <em>

_Unfortunately, life never seemed to allow me to be content. For there was a shadow cast over Anders, one that was almost tangible._

_"What are you keeping from me, my love?" I whispered to his sleeping form. _

_When I helped him into the Chantry, no, when he asked me to help him into the Chantry, I knew something was wrong. The fact that he never told me why just solidified my fears. And that conversation that we had afterwords, well, I didn't even want to think about that. Anders was trying to distance himself from me. I could see it in the way he moved, hear it in his voice, feel it in his touch, and recognize it in his eyes. And in his outfit change, with those damn black feathers that concerned me so much. But it all was too little, too late. _

_He stirred in his sleep, earlier ease leaving him. I sighed into his chest as he began to wake up. I moved to my own pillow for his benefit, and then watched as he turned to face me, mouth open as he started to speak._

_"No," I insisted, putting a finger over his lips, "You are not going to distance yourself from me now. I know you've done something, and I know you won't tell me why. But I also know that you are losing yourself. And no matter what, I am always going to be here for you, doing my best to help you get yourself back. I need you. Remember what you promised me, that you would never leave me? You can't leave me alone, not if you still love me."_

_"Melody Hawke, I love you more than anything." he said._

_"Then stop trying to leave me."_

_"I'm not trying to leave you; I'm trying to save you."_

_"All of who I am is with you now. If you leave me, there will be nothing left to save."_

* * *

><p>"I had to do this. For the mages. They deserve justice. There was no other way." Anders said with a pleading edge to his voice.<p>

"There is always another way! Anything is better than killing innocents!" My voice rose.

"It had to be done." he said.

I looked around desperately at the rest of my companions, trying to glean an answer from one of them. Unfortunately, everyone seemed like they didn't know what to do with this situation either. We had all become very close, a family, despite our overlying differences. Anders' actions had shaken our makeshift family to the core.

"You realize what position you have put me in." I said to him angrily, "You realize what I have to do. How could you do this to me?"

"For what it's worth, I am truly sorry about that. I do love you, and I never wanted to put you in this position. I honestly thought Meredith would lobe off my head before the debris had settled."

"Would that have been any better?" I whispered my voice cracking. Anders didn't answer, he just moved, walking until he stood in front of me.

I drew my sword, hearing the familiar whisper of metal gliding against the scabbard. Anders bowed his head.

And I remembered everything. Every embrace, every kiss, and every whispered conversation in the night. I remembered every tear I shed while he held me in his arms, every emotion, all of the pain and the love and the joy. Every place that he had touched my life, every moment that I had been with him. Every night, every journey, and every fight. All of the things that had made him Anders, all of the things that had kept us together and tore us apart. It all reflected back at me on the edge of my blade.

I took a step closer to him and raised my blade, tears running freely down my face.

And I let go of the blade, watching it fall, untarnished, to the ground.


	2. If But to Keep You Here

**Didn't think I was coming back did you? A few notes before I get this thing started. Firstly, I'm ignoring the fact that Hawke's companions probably stay with her for more than a few days for the sake of this story. Secondly, I'm foreseeing one or two more chapters to this particular fanfiction before it combines with the characters from my other Dragon Age fic, Impending Darkness. But, no worries if you don't like that, there will only be a small lead-in to it in the last chapter, and then that will start in a different fic. Furthermore, I'm keeping the untarnished theme to this chapter, if you can tell by the end. Please review when you've finished reading, I would love to know what you think! Enjoy! **

It had only been a few days since the destruction of the Kirkwall Chantry. One day. And yet, it seemed like I had lived through a lifetime. I rubbed my forehead absentmindedly, hoping the repeated motion of my calloused finger pads would ease my headache away. The events of the past few days continued to run through my mind as I moved through the overgrown combination of both grass and weeds. Although the barn itself had seemed abandoned, chances were we would be found if we stayed here much longer. Sighing softly, I reminded myself that I had chosen this fate.

* * *

><p>"<em>Anders, I need to speak with you," The words came with more harshness than I had intended; I was still reeling from his earlier actions. Less than an hour was not very much time to get over shock though, I reasoned with myself. We had only just made it to the Circle, preparing to fight Meredith. His eyes met mine, unreadable. He didn't move. "Somewhere a bit more—not here." I added, my voice softening a little. Then I walked to an adjoining room, motioning for him to follow me. <em>

_Once we were inside, he looked at me expectantly, and I hurriedly tried to put together my half-formed thoughts. _

"_We don't have much time, but this may be the last time we have to talk." I sighed, running a hand through my dark hair. "This is all so…complicated. Overwhelming. I can barely follow my own thoughts, let alone communicate them to you. I still can't believe what you did. Maybe I don't want to believe that it had come to that, or that you are capable of such things. Regardless…I've made my decision. We can work out everything else later." _

_I had barely finished speaking when he crashed his lips onto mine, wrapping his arms around me as I leaned into the desperate kiss. It only was a few seconds before he pulled quickly away, distancing himself from me with a worried glance. I blinked a few times, stunned mind trying to catch up._

"_I shouldn't have-"he stammered quickly, "It wasn't right of me to assume…" He trailed off. Despite everything, I couldn't help the small quirk of my lip._

"_It's only wrong of you if you have the incorrect assumption." I told him quietly. "I meant what I said. I'll have more time to be angry when our lives aren't immediately on the line." With that said, I was back in his arms again. After we broke the kiss off, he still held me in his arms._

"_After what I did, I'm going to have to be on the run." He said. "I was wondering…hoping that…that is if you can…Will you come with me?" _

* * *

><p>I finished my scouting of the surrounding woods, verifying that there was still no one directly in the area. I grabbed my worn leather sack from its hiding spot, and reentered the barn. From a distance I could see Anders' figure sitting hunched over on our makeshift bed, and felt a tremor of panic run through me. Was something wrong? As I rushed over, he looked up at me, the sight of his eyes-their normal golden-brown- flooding me with relief.<p>

"You're back?" he asked, wonderingly.

"Of course I'm back," I said, frowning in confusion. "I was scouting. There's no one in the vicinity. And I got us some food." I threw the pack at him, and he riffled through it. He was silent as I sat next to him, picking out an apple from my satchel.

"I thought you had left," he said quietly. "I wouldn't have blamed you." _Oh._ He was practically oozing guilt. My headache intensified as I realized how complicated this was; how tenuous our situation was.

"I thought I was going to have to kill you," I told him. "I can't—it's impossible for me to imagine myself without you, let alone it being my own doing. That I would be responsible for the killing blow. But I couldn't do that; I couldn't take your life away from you.

"Remember when I said that I wanted you beside me until the day that I die? I meant it. I still do. I know you better than you think I do. I know that you're a good man, driven by desperation. How many years did you spend working on a peaceful solution? How many days did you spend pouring over that manifesto of yours? I noticed that. Things needed to change, I recognized that. I'll never be alright with the way that it was done, and I'm still hurt that you didn't trust me, but what's done is done.

"Now is the time for you to atone, and you will do it through your actions and not through your blood. Vengeance-he's changing you, isn't he? Both of you. Let me help. I'll be your moral compass, keep you in the right direction."

"Why?" he asked quietly, hope starting to show on his face. Not for the first time, my heart broke at how little love he had been given in his life.

"Because someone needs to. And I love you." I told him. There were the slow workings of a smile on his face as he pulled me into his arms. Then he got up abruptly, rummaging through his sack. Retrieving something, he came back to me.

"Melody, I know that this is the worst possible timing, but I've had this for years. I didn't think it would work, with Meredith and me being an apostate, and then now when I thought you would never forgive me. I don't know how it will work, but I want you by my side forever. I love you more than anything in my life."

In his hands he held a silver ring, set with a small diamond and intricate carvings. The light bounced off of it, polished by several years of being held. Gleaming and sparkling where the sunbeams hit it, it was the most pristine, stunning thing I have seen in my life.


End file.
